The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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