I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
