I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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