I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
