thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
