So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
