Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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