the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
