The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
