I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
