apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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