I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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