mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
