My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Let's get the cat blown out
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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