I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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