Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
