if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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