i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
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