New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
