my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
