You don't have asthma, your pregnant
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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