Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
