I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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