A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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