oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
