I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
