The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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