I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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