if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
What a dumb baby whore.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
