I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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