coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
