Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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