Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize
