Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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