her vagine was all disorganized.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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