The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
