So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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