Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
