fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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