Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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