My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
