I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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