I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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