who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
