So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
