I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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