4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
