I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
