I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
