Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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