Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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