There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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