Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I want to make a zoo with you.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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