Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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