My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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