Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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