It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
