you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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